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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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We head to this little shop near Piazza del Popolo. The owner, old man Luigi, is a legend. He’s got this stash of wood that’s like gold. I’m drooling. But then, Marco starts haggling like he’s buying a car. I’m just standing there, cringing. “Dude, just pay the man!” But Marco’s like, “Nah, I can get it cheaper.” I’m ready to strangle him.

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